Clay Cane is a New York City-based writer who is recognized for his contributions in journalism. Clay is a regular contributor for various print and online publications such as The Advocate and BET.com. He is the author of the highly anticipated novel Ball-Shaped World, which is a fictionalized account of the black and Latino ballroom scene. Also, he is the Entertainment Editor at BET.com and a member of New York Film Critics Online. He can be reached at claycane@gmail.com.


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    Monday, October 30, 2006

    The summer is over. The winter is coming and for those who are still single, the GRIND to have someone to compensate for those lonely, bitter, frigid nights is upon you. Don't act like you don’t care … don't lie to your friends and say, "I am perfectly fine being single!" as you’re wading through the thousands of profiles on Adam4Adam.com, or at the club with your bionic eye focused on a potential date. Let's keep it real ... we all want a connection from the biggest whore to the most boring prude. During the summer it's easy to ignore that “stupid ache”, but when all is calm, your mind can't help but wander....

    Anyone who remembers my Halloween and the Hunt post knows there's a shady timeline that determines if you're with or without a partner over the holidays. You might be in romantic fantasy bliss for the season or sitting alone, laying in your bed with a glass of straight vodka, listening to Nina Simone and watching The Color Purple ... reciting every line like you wrote the script **wink to Frederick Smith**. Just for a quick recap here is the simplified version:

    If you're still dateless by Halloween ... YOU WILL BE SINGLE FOR THANKSGIVING. There’s usually a five-day or so grace period, but it's basically a wrap by the first week of November.

    If you're still dateless with NO potentials by the end of Thanksgiving weekend it’s a WRAP for CHRISTMAS and NEW YEARS!

    If you didn't get that connection by New Years (considering the five-day grace period) anything after that is a last minute hot-whore-tramp date and you will be SINGLE for Valentine's Day.

    HOWEVER, let's take this a bit further. When you're dating ... what to look out for? What is out there? And speaking specifically to the black gay male community (the straights who are reading this will have to reinterpret for themselves like the gays have to do everyday!) many people feel there are so many "issues" in our community that prevents us from having a healthy relationship. I completely disagree ... we are all capable of having a healthy relationship, however, I do think it's worth examining the categories we consciously or unconsciously fall into. Please keep in mind most of these categories are due to a socially oppresive society - nonetheless, we all must take accountability. Some of us are one of these, a few of these, or pieces of some here and there:

    THE TRAGIC HOMOSEXUAL

    You know the type ... always complaining about how all gay men are fucked-up, all gay men cheat and it is virtually impossible for two men to have a long-lasting connection.
    Not surprisingly, he attracts the types he complains about -- everyone he meets cheats, lies and deceives him. He is in the constant "woe is me" syndrome not because he is the victim, but because HE is ALL of thethings that he doesn't like about gay men. He has cheated more times than he has been faithful, he lies so much that he believes his own reenactments and never takes blame for his own choices -- but blames his actions and everyone else's actions on the state of EVERY black gay man in the USA. He is the Tragic Homosexual and does not even think for one minute the reason why he meets such vile men is because he is attracting what he is.

    THE DL CHRISTIAN

    He is "DL", but as obviously gay as his church queen girlfriends, who are in the choir and all having sex with each other. They admittedly feel they are going to burn in a fiery depths of a Christian, or an Islamic hell, yet getting their guts banged out on regular basis and having the most decadent sexual happenings that makes even the biggest whores say:
    “Well, damn -- maybe I need to go to church if I can get this much sex!” They believe being gay is only “temporary” and one day they will wake up with an unforgettable, juicy pussy on their mind. This mindset is understandable when you are in your early 20’s and going through "gay puberty" (trying to get over the hate you feel for yourself) -- but when you're knocking on thirty’s door, dating men for years, managed to have sex with a few women, which somehow allows this man to violently clench onto his last remains of heterosexuality, AND still not straight -- THIS is not temporary. These men are often times misogynistic, minimizing women to baby making machines. They make statements like, "If this gay thing doesn’t work out then I’ll just get with a woman, get married and have some kids.” As if the DL Christian men are going to step outside of a gay club and find some coochie waiting for them with legs spread open and saying: “Splash up in me and let me make you some babies because you couldn't find a man!” These are the saddest types of black gay men because no matter how many times they get their dick sucked and don't suck, no matter how many times they are a top and claim they never bottom, no matter how many times they pray to their God ... they will ALWAYS be gay. They will live and die as GAY.

    THE DL THUG

    The DL Thug foolishly believes they are one up on everyone else because they've mastered the art of looking like a bad BET video. They are from 20 to 50 with hats cocked to the side, baggy/saggy clothes and a hood lingo that is embarrassingly inauthentic. They have no clue they are in "hood" drag –- at least a drag queen knows they are playing role, BUT The DL Thug believes this is him. He doesn’t realize his whole demeanor is a learned behavior -- the DL Thug thinks all of his problems would be solved if he could JUST be heterosexual. He constantly gives examples on how straight relationships work out and somehow relates them to himself. Periodically he manages to splash up in some girl but never converts.
    Inside, the DL Thug is painfully lonely and shamed; he remedies his loneliness with decadent sex that makes up for all of the ways he hates himself.

    THE NARCISSIST

    This man is typically attractive, goes to the gym more than he goes to work and focused on his appearance rather than his stale personality. He thinks EVERYONE wants him ... the first thing he will tell you after a long day is how many people tried to hit on him - male, female, elderly,transsexual, etc. "This girl in the elevator was really staring at me -- I know she wanted me to fuck her," "Everybody in the club was looking at me," "I think your best friend was looking at my dick," "Your neighbor bumped into me and tried to feel my ass," the comments are endless. The narcissist does not realize that most people are not lusting for him -- but he is so focused on who could possibly be lusting for him because he needs constant validation from others about his appearance. Even the ones who are starring could be looking for an entirely different reason than the Narcissist assumes. When it comes to gay men he is convinced everyone wants to have sex with him and makes comments like, "
    I can't be around too many gay men because all they want to do is fuck." In actuality it's not that people think he is so beautiful, being attractive is relative, it's that HE is the one who wants to fuck everyone, therefore, people preceive him as an easy fuck ... fuckable but not conversational.

    THE QUEEN LOOKING FOR A KING

    She's a fuckin' lady. He's looking for a strong man with an amazing job, big dick and an aggressive personality to make him feel safe and protected. However, he is NONE of these things -- he is the striking opposite of what he wants.
    He is trying to emulate male-female relationships, which aren't even working for the straights! He expects for his man to always pay for dinner, always hold him in bed and always make the first move. Characters like Noah and Alex from Noah's Arc have inspired him to believe, "This can really happen! I can find a man that will treat me the way all of my straight girlfriends want to be treated!" Often times this boy is lazy, shiftless and his femme drag is as inauthentic as the DL Thug's hood drag. He is one wig away from a drag queen and doesn't want a gay male relationship -- he wants a straight relationship in his boy body.

    THE LOW SELF-ESTEEM GOOD MAN

    This man thinks he’s too fat, too skinny, too old (only over 25!), too short, too tall, too dark, too light and too much of everything. Telling this person, “You look good tonight!” Will only end up in, “I gained five pounds.” He loses all self-confidence when walking into a gay club comparing himself to every muscular man feeling as if, “I could never get someone like that.” He’s jealous of other people who he thinks are more attractive than him, eventually isolating himself in a cocoon of, “Nobody wants me.” Therefore, he lowers he standards so low that he ends up with manipulative, evil men who smell and prey on his insecurities. Despite all of the creative and sometimes unique ways this man hates himself he would actually be a great boyfriend … he lives alone, has a career (not just a job!), sense of humor, intelligent – but ignores all of these attractive aspects and focuses on what he feels will keep him alone and unhappy forever.

    THE AFFECTION WHORE

    The Affection Whore doesn’t have sex with every man he meets, but he shares a bed, kisses, hugs, reveals his whole life story -- in a matter of days. He thinks any man who has sex immediately is a tramp, however, he doesn’t realize every time he gives away a piece of himself with intimacy – even if he doesn’t have sex – he is still feeling empty … empty in more ways than the promiscuous man because at least the slut does not expect anything in return. The Affection Whore feels he is doing everything right by waiting before he has sex and investing ALL of his time in a man he met less than a week ago. He quickly dives into romantic fantasy land after date one, seeing their whole life playing out ... living together, joint accounts, traveling and of course adopting children! At the end of the day no one can live up to a fantasy and once the Affection Whore realizes this guy is not what he expected ... he goes to the next guy and unknowingly has the same experience. All the while he says, “I am not having sex with every guy I meet like everyone else! Why can’t I meet someone?” He doesn’t realize there is no formula to make a relationship work because if there were we would all be in relationships.
    He is simply patching up his own toxic issues ... maybe it has to deal with love he didn't get as a child ... maybe a relationship that broke his heart and he never moved on ... maybe he doesn't love himself.

    Happy Hunting!





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    Posted by Clay :: 12:00 AM :: 24 comments

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