Let me stress this was YEARS ago when I was a young, supple 18 year-old so I don’t want anyone to think I got into any drama like this recently!

When I used to live in Philly the hottest club was the Nile. It was non-stop house music (a lite-lite mix of R&B/hip-hop for no more than twenty minutes) that included every form of soulful house you could think of -- none of that techno or electronic noise. Every black, non-hetero person in Philly would go to the Nile religiously to "get your life!" as we put it. At that time I was seeing someone who was a bit jealous, intense and dramatic ... but I was 18, I couldn’t see the obvious signs - this guy will go by the name of Pumpkin. My main partner at the club was a female friend of mine who will go by the name of Titties. Anyway, I told Pumpkin that Titties and I were going to the club and he seemed kind of irritated - questioning me like he was my father. Both Titties and I looked at him like he was crazy and made our way to the club ignoring his foolishness.

Once we got to the Nile we were "getting our life," and here comes Pumpkin walking in ... we were OVER it because he said he was staying home for the whole night. In my 18 year-old mind I knew I would soon be ending this dating experience for good. Nonetheless, Pumpkin and I said hi as Titties and I are getting our life. About an hour after Pumpkin arrived he grabs my arm, violently pulls me to the back of the club like I'm Gumby and demands to speak with me. I didn’t know what was going on and why he we being so aggressive. He says (names have been changed) "A and B saw Titties dancing and they said they were going to jump her!"

"Huh?" I replied. "Why would A and B want to jump Titties?"

"I don't know, but we should all leave because they looked serious!"

I pulled Titties off the dance floor and explained what happened ... she was just as confused as me, "Why would these butch queens want to jump me? I’m a fuckin’ lady! "

"I don't know Titties but I heard those boys saying, 'Get her!' and pushing A toward you." The only thing that Titties could think of was YEARS ago she had dated (yes, Titties was a lesbian, but you know) A's ex-boyfriend and A may have known. However, that was many house beats and read/shade sessions ago and Titties wasn't even sure A would've known/remembered ... Nonetheless, A was known to be the bad ass of Philly, constantly getting into fights and had a vicious crew that would assist him in all bashings – ain’t nothin’ worse than a gay hoodlum.

Titties was extremely frustrated with Pumpkin saying, "We all have to go -- I don't want anything to happen to either of you! Let’s go NOW!" Titties and I are still not sure, but in fear and knowing Pumpkin knew more people than us we decided to leave. The walk to the train Pumpkin told us stories about people who got jumped in Philly and all the violent bloody things he saw ... he had us in a mental FRENZY!

The next night Titties and I are OVER it. The whole early morning, morning, afternoon, early evening, etc. Titties is complaining, “Where am I going to go to get my life?” “Where I am going to go to get a go-go?” Imagine being fresh out of high school and the one go-go spot you frequent you can no longer go to because you might get KNOCKED. Titties and I debated on our teen dilemma for the evening and eventually ended up at Pumpkin’s house wanting more details on what he saw … because damn it, it was a Saturday night and Titties and I needed to feel a beat! Back then I wouldn’t go to a club without Titties and Pumpkin knew that. Titties and I decide to go to the club and ignore Pumpkin’s warnings that she might get knocked. However, before we left Titties said she needed some protection.

“What kind of protection?” I asked.
“In case I do get knocked I need something to defend myself with! Pumpkin, do you have a steak knife?” I am mortified as Pumpkin tells Titties if she tries to bring a steak knife into the club the security guards will find it on her when they pat her down.

“They won’t find it – now give me that damn knife!” Pumpkin finds a long steak knife and as if Titties is a magician she slips the steak knife in between her big utters making it disappear -- adjusts her massive breasts and Pamela Anderson-ish bra – and she is ready to go! “If someone tries to knock me – I’ll cut a bitch. Momma always told me these big breasts would come in handy someday!”

We went to the club and the whole night Titties was dancing she was prepared to whip her knife from her bazookas and stab a bitch like a character in Sin City! Each dance move had something to do with her big bosom as she kept an eye on every butch queen that walked by her .... the whole time with the STUNT in her bosom.

Mind you -Titties was a popular girl so nearly everyone spoke to her and she was ready to SLAY … Titties NEVER got jumped and the person that Pumpkin said wanted to jump her, spoke to her that evening. Titties and I still wonder if Pumpkin made that up just to get ME out of the club. Nonetheless, it was a cackle … and I could only imagine if something would’ve happened how that would’ve been a legendary story in the club – “Someone tried to knock Titties and she pulled a blade out of her titties!”

Labels: STORYTELLING