Clay Cane is a New York City-based writer who is recognized for his contributions in journalism. Clay is a regular contributor for various print and online publications such as The Advocate and BET.com. He is the author of the highly anticipated novel Ball-Shaped World, which is a fictionalized account of the black and Latino ballroom scene. Also, he is the Entertainment Editor at BET.com and a member of New York Film Critics Online. He can be reached at claycane@gmail.com.


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    Tuesday, January 15, 2008

    I need to know why the producers at VH1 and MTV continue to run full seasons of America's Next Top Model every cotton pickin' weekend. Do you know how damaging it is to the IQ to see Tyra Banks for eight hours straight? What's most bothersome is to hear these "critiques" from Tyra that are contradictory, hypocritical and usually wrong. I thought I would take the liberty with my special guest judges, Apollonia and, guest writer, Peaches Babble-On, to give a thorough examination of Tyra's modeling photos throughout her career.


    Apollonia: Your head looks huge, your arms look like a prehistoric insect and you look like a praying mantis about to swallow Jaslene!

    Peaches Babble-On: You really need to practice your angles in the mirror, similar to what you told Kelle from Cycle 3, which made her cry in the bathroom, screaming that her face looked like a snout. Great way to uplift young girls’ self-esteem!

    Clay: This picture reminds me of your obsession with Latin girls, always telling them to be more “spicy”. I don’t think you’d be happy with a Latin model unless she came to you bathed in El Charro Picante Verde Salsa and served red beans and rice in an “I Love Tyra” apron.

    ***
    Apollonia: Tyra, you are photographing too old—is this The Golden Girls cover shoot?

    Peaches Babble-On: Tyra, I'm not seeing your top lip in this shot. It's important for you to remember that a woman with your personality (or lack thereof), you must use the few black features you have. Homework: See Iman.

    Clay: Dearest, you’ve lost your neck in this washed-out, sun-drenched shot that makes you look like a yellow goatfish dying on the beach. As a top model you should stop the entire photo shoot, take out those pea-green contacts and magically create a new scenery—isn’t that what you told Tocarra from Cycle 3 when she was forced to dress as a bowling alley valet?

    ***

    Apollonia: Very beer ad--looks like a bad audition for Maxim!

    Peaches Babble-On: A young lady who you interviewed on the "All About Tyra Talk Show" mistakenly contacted my office with a stern cease and desist letter. I'm forwarding to your company, Bankable Productions, for you to handle, but the long and short of it is—Karinne Steffans would like her King Magazine shoot back.

    Clay: The Steffans reference is actually right on point since you two slept with some of the same celebrities. One more thing—you look like an amputee! It looks like your legs were chopped off from the thighs down!

    ***

    Apollonia: A top model like you should know there is tons of money spent on airbrushing and this photo required more airbrushing than a Mariah Carey album cover. Oh, yes, airbrushing--isn't that what you tore YaYa DaCosta to shreds for on Cycle 3 for her "bad" skin?

    Peaches Babble-On: Speaking of Mariah, she asked for her wind machine back! I gather from this photo that you are a fan of the Greek Mythological character Medusa, but that hair is not appropriate and as a top model, you have a right to let the stylist know that you will not wear expired tracks. The health of your scalp depends on it!

    Clay: Apple and Peach also left out your oddly shaped legs. While I get the “broken down baby doll look” you look more like someone who was just let out of leg braces and can barely stand or model.

    ***

    Apollonia: You look like a confused alien. Smile with your eyes!

    Peaches Babble-On: This is obviously your best shot from the Stephen Spielberg challenge. As Furdona was told in Cycle 6, "Phone home!"

    Clay: No—Peaches will not insult ET! ET is an American icon. Actually, you look more like Joan Crawford in a 1950’s swimming cap with those tarantula eye brows—I don't see passion, I see demon.


    ****

    Apollonia: Does Naomi know about this? Didn’t you criticize Sara for copying Joanie’s pose on the elephant in Cycle 6? Remember, if you copy, you have to make it your own and you just made this less high-fashion and more the fifth member of En Vogue.

    Peaches Babble-On: They say imitation is the best form of flattery and I’m glad to see you did your homework…but Naomi needs her face back.

    Clay: Peach and Apple are being too hard on you…I mean, you’ve never done the cover of Vogue or Vanity Fair, like the international supermodel of the galaxy Naomi Campbell. Therefore, all you can do is mimic her. Maybe that’s why the bitch got you fired.

    ***

    Apollonia: Is this Victoria's Secret? You look confused, you lost your legs, plus, your feet look filthy and swollen. I will use your line for Ambreal in Cycle 9, “Hoochie, I don’t see a model.”

    Peaches Babble-On: Where is the high fashion? The judges (me) think this photo looks more like the cover a street literature novel (B-More Model-like)—more FRENCH VOGUE and less ZANE.

    Clay: Peaches, stop being so mean! Stop throwing it in Ty-Ty’s face that she never did American or even French Vogue. We all know Halle Berry, Naomi Campbell and even Oprah were able to grace the true magazine of high fashion. This picture is less high fashion and more like a photo shoot with 35 millimeter film, developed at the Sun Hop Fat Supermarket on Park Boulevard in Oakland, California.

    Did we miss anything?

    Labels: ,

    Posted by Clay :: 12:00 AM :: 11 comments

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