Clay Cane is a New York City-based writer who is recognized for his contributions in journalism. Clay is a regular contributor for various print and online publications such as The Advocate and BET.com. He is the author of the highly anticipated novel Ball-Shaped World, which is a fictionalized account of the black and Latino ballroom scene. Also, he is the Entertainment Editor at BET.com and a member of New York Film Critics Online. He can be reached at claycane@gmail.com.


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    Monday, March 24, 2008

    For those who have followed my blog you are probably familiar with the black and Latino ballroom scene, a subculture that celebrates fashion, dance, competition and creativity. In addition, I am in publishing process with my novel Ball-Shaped World, which is a fictionalized account of the ballroom community.

    Back in July, I did a fun post called "R&B/Hip-Hop: Ballroom Style". I received emails saying I left out some folks. Well, here is a second part -- if you missed the breakdowns of the House of West, The Legendary House of Def Jam, or the list of free agents, which included Mary J. Blige and Janet Jackson, click here.

    Each person in the ballroom scene is associated with a house or family, like the House of Khan, House of Blahnik and House of Mizrahi. The houses have a structure of mother and father with the “children” of the house striving for ballroom fame and status. However, as many have said in my interviews with ballroom figures, the scene is also full of hierarchy and shade—just like the celebrity world!

    Here is another breakdown of the R&B/Hip-Hop world, ballroom style!

    LEGENDARY HOUSE OF DAVIS
    Founder and Grandfather Clive Davis: Legendary icon, the girls give Granddaddy Clive the utmost respect. He has the power to make or break a diva—one quick whisper to the commentator and your career is no more! No one can remember the last time he walked a ball or his category, but he let’s the kids know, “Without me there would be no icons, bitch!”

    Legendary Mother Whitney Houston: After a few overdoses in a grimy bathroom stall with Bobby Brown, Mother Whitney is back with Daddy Clive. In a new gilda, a bedazzled gown and labels to die for, she is ready to slay. Whitney is an overall legend for shady lady runway, face over 40 and, don't you ever forget, banjee cunt realness.

    Princess Alicia Keys: Daddy Clive promised Alicia mother status, but Whitney said she would not join the house if she is not the grand diva—Alicia was quickly demoted! Although Alicia has retired the days of butch realness and old way, she is currently eating it for soft & cunt performance, best dressed and face (although the girls are still trying to digest Alicia being a face diva).

    Duchess Jennifer Hudson: Some of the kids gagged J-Hud made it into such a prestigious house so quickly, but that was the power of being “the new bitch” of 2007. She is an up and coming statement for big girls face, luscious body and Burger King girl realness (No shade, she used to work at Burger King!).

    Children: A bunch of American Idol kids Daddy Clive ignores like Ruben Studdard, Jordan Sparks and Kelly Clarkson.

    HOUSE OF ATL
    Founder and Father Jermaine Dupri: Jermaine is closely tied to the House of Def Jam, but he refuses to leave the legendary House of ATL, which has housed icons like Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes, Big Boi from Outkast and that legendary butch queen up in drags with a bazaar effect, Miss M*thaf%!kin’ Andre 3000. Jermaine is legendary for thug boy realness, old way, high fashion street wear labels and legendary commentator.

    Mother Usher: The mother position is always open for that hands performance diva, Janet Jackson, being that she is the first lady to Jermaine Dupri, but she insists on being a free agent. Therefore, Usher is the best fit, especially with almost as much ass as Janet and a partner who has more masculine facial features than Jermaine. Usher eats it for the new way, butch queen body, butch queen sex siren, butch queen face and European runway.

    Princess Bow Wow: Bow Wow has fought for this title like a ringwormed dog trapped in an alley with nowhere to go. Always a lil’ too much bark and as soon as he hits the floor, it’s a chop. The kids don’t see his labels, sloppy runway, or off-beat over dramatic performance. He’d be better walking butch realness.

    Children: Omarion, Raz-B and Ricki Romance (scandals!)

    HOUSE OF INTERSCOPE
    Father and Founder Timbaland: He paid the lesbians over at the House of Atlantic. Telling Missy Elliot and Queen Latifah, “The white children are calling my name!” Timbaland is the icon for big boys runway, big boys realness and always knows how to bring it with a production.

    Mother Justine Timberlake: Miss Justine is known to sell a bitch out at any moment to win that trophy. Now that he officially has Father Timbaland, doing the Negro Frankenstein dance at his side, Justine is eating it for butch queen dramatics performance, European runway, futuristic bizarre and butch queen body.

    Princess Keri Hilson: You may not know her name, but she is the up and coming "new bitch" of 2008. Keri is planning to destroy for face, female figure performance and labels.

    Children: Nelly Furtado, OneRepublic, Magoo

    HOUSE OF G-UNIT

    Father and Founder 50 Cent: 50 was once the “new bitch”, comparing himself to the legendary 2Pac from the House of Deathrow, but now mama can’t even get past round one of a battle. When he tired to battle Mother Kanye of the House of West earlier this year, Diva Kanye split her into pennies. With a dented metal chair ready to be thrown at a moments notice, 50 still hits the floor for thug boy realness, muscular butch queen body, urban street wear labels, who's zooming who and catch him on the right night with a hit of X, he might give you a lite realness with a twist!

    Mother: No one! The Game was previously the mother, but is now about to be locked for a few centuries. Nonetheless, a few years ago she made a lil’ mark for urban street wear labels and soft & cunt performance—you saw that episode of Blind Date!

    Prince Lloyd Banks: Lloyd is secretly shopping on the sidelines for a new house. He’s hoping those cakes can get him into the House of West or at least the House of Roc-A-Fella. Lloyd walks realness with a twist, thug boy realness and urban street wear labels.

    Children: Mase, Young Buck, Tony Yayo

    FREE AGENTS

    Remy Ma (formerly Terror Squad) Free Agent: If you think Foxy Brown was a tyrant, Remy Ma is a down right criminal. She is known to gun down any bitch who gets in her way and always has a blade between her titties. Remy is a free agent not because she wants to be, but no one wants her. She still walks and gets her tens, but never snatches the grand prize. Remy walks the urban street wear labels; project cunt realness and female figure dramatics performance—although her tuck has been known to fly out a few times!

    Fantasia (formerly Davis) Free Agent: Clive Davis ousted Fantasia out of the House of Davis saying, “We have ladies in this house—not truck drivers!” Since then, Miss Fantasia has been at a stand still. Don’t count her out, she will bring the fire with break your back dramatics performance in an ill-fitting dress. The girls kiki’d when Fantasia came out for face. Princess Rihanna Roc-A-Fella immediately chopped her and said, “When I see you, I say, ‘You sho’ is ugly!’” Rihanna had to quickly dodge a half empty bottle of Hennessy.

    Legendary Icon Michael Jackson (formerly Epic) Free Agent: Mother Michael was once the rock-sockin’ grand diva of the House of Epic. Now she just sits on the judge’s panel, sipping on some Jesus Juice and chops the girls to be evil. No one questions her judgment as she says, “I paved the way!” while peering into the crowd looking for any light-skinned boys with no facial hair. He has more trophies than all the rest and has walked nearly every category known to man: school boy realness, old way performance, new way performance, butch queen vogue femme soft or dramatics, butch queen up in pumps, butch queen face, drags face, femme queen face and the leader of bazaar face. Also, for the right coin, she’ll give you a good basement nose job and pump you with quality sil—just make sure the crazy glue is ready!

    The post is fictional and requires a sense of humor.

    Labels: ,

    Posted by Clay :: 12:30 AM :: 7 comments

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