Clay Cane is a New York City-based writer who is recognized for his contributions in journalism. Clay is a regular contributor for various print and online publications such as The Advocate and BET.com. He is the author of the highly anticipated novel Ball-Shaped World, which is a fictionalized account of the black and Latino ballroom scene. Also, he is the Entertainment Editor at BET.com and a member of New York Film Critics Online. He can be reached at claycane@gmail.com.


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    Tuesday, April 22, 2008

    While sipping on a brew and releasing a few rounds of artillery, Senator Hillary "La Femme Nikita" Clinton, spoke to BET, "Yeah, me and my nigga Akon is doin’ a collabo for a new gangster film! It be like Annie Get Your Gun meets Menace II Society!" Quickly, turning to CNN, Clinton said in perfect Anglo English, "Yes, I am teaming up with the great African-American R&B singer, Akon, for an intelligent and groundbreaking film on violence. It’s sure to change the lives of every American."

    The “dynamic imaginative duo” collaboration broke after Senator Clinton had several cases of misspeaking, miswriting and misremembering, sniper fire in Bosnia during a 1996 trip. Then, just days ago, it was discovered that the chocolate dew-drop singer, Akon, didn't serve four and a half years in prison, contrary to his stories of “Locked Up” jail time.

    The Senegalese hip-hop artist used his fairytale jail time to sell millions of records and promote the ideology that being a former prisoner, locked up with big ole’ mens for years, suddenly made him a more reputable rapper. In reality, Akon only served a few months in an Atlanta county jail after attempting to steal a BMW—nearly ten years ago.

    Akon, deeply embarrassed by not being a criminal, not being another statistic, still having the right to vote, told BET, "This film with my bitch, Hilly Hill, will prove that if was I locked up—I could've survived! I plan to do all my own stunts, even in one scene when I'm in prison and become the wifey of Miss Jay from America's Next Top Model!"

    When CNN asked Clinton about the plot, she revealed Akon and herself will play fictionalized versions of themselves and added, "Well, it will be the groundbreaking story of a female presidential candidate turned criminal after she was destroyed by a quick-mouthed, mulatto congressman. She teams up with a real African-American, someone from Africa—and overthrows the world that she is entitled to. I'm very excited!"

    The film will also star imaginary hetero Larry Craig as Akon’s drag queen cellmate, imaginary filmmaker Tyler Perry as Clinton’s mammy and a special guest appearance from imaginary compassionate person, Tyra Banks, who some are already deeming as an Oscar winning role. Banks plays Akon’s sister, a paraplegic mute who cannot walk, talk, or speak. She inspires Akon to team up with Clinton’s character by just “smiling with her eyes”. An insider on the film set said, “It was just amazing seeing Tyra forced to sit still for hours at a time. I really felt a calmness go over the Earth!”

    The soundtrack is sure to be a blockbuster with songs from real criminals like 50 Cent, R. Kelly and Chris Stokes. At Clinton’s request, all the lyrics will proudly be written by Maya Angelou.

    No word on the title of the film, Akon is waiting for a new record deal and Senator Clinton is waiting to lose another primary—both times when their imagination is at full throttle.

    *This post is fictional and requires a sense of humor

    Today is the Pennsylvania primary -- everyone in PA -- VOTE!

    Labels: ,

    Posted by Clay :: 7:30 AM :: 7 comments

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